Slaying Dragons With Friends
Some friends and I formed a group a few decades ago that we dubbed “The Knights of the Square table.” That’s because the four of us gathered each week around a square table at our own little version of Camelot – a Village Inn on College Avenue in Fayetteville, AR.
No real swords were wielded, but together we trained for slaying our metaphorical dragons while drinking coffee, eating bacon and eggs, and talking about how we could lead our families in ways that honored Jesus.
As a baby Christian at the time (raised in church, but a prodigal until my late 20s), this group shaped me in ways that I can never fully explain. They taught me practical theology, supported me through the worst spiritual battles of my life, and introduced me to potato guns. What more could a man want, right? I still connect with those guys and other men who have been part of subsequent groups, so I can personally attest to the power of iron sharpening iron. (see Proverbs 27:17)
Men need friendships with other men. Period.
In From Strength to Strength, Harvard Professor, Arthur Brooks, spends a good bit of real estate making a point about the connection between relationships and the type of physical, emotional, spiritual, and mental health that leads to overall happiness in life. In addition to citing all sorts of research and sharing some personal anecdotes, he references an interesting conclusion from the work of Noreena Hertz, author of The Lonely Century.
Hertz, Brooks notes, shows “that in terms of health outcomes, loneliness is comparable to smoking fifteen cigarettes per day and is worse than obesity. It is also strongly associated with cognitive decline and dementia.” The anecdote for loneliness, of course, is good relationships, and the best form of that cure, according to research by Brooks and many others, is a strong marriage based on Biblical principles. A marriage, in other words, that is monogamous and built on love, respect, compatibility, and faith in God. But the research, Brooks goes on to say, indicates that we also need relationships outside of marriage. In other words, single men, whether they are dating someone or not, need male friends. And even happily married men need friendships with other men. If you are single, then you are good doing life as a lone wolf. Otherwise, you need some male friends. Which means … you need some male friends.
Historically, at least in the brief history of the United States, men tend to resist friendships with other men that go beyond the surface-level discussions of news, weather, and sports. We fist bump other guys, call them “dude,” and then drift into loneliness because we think that’s normal or just “who we are.”
It hasn’t always been that way.
In fact, the full scope of history tells us that relationships between men look far less like the stereotypical John Wayne cowboy character and far more like David as he made his way from shepherd to king, or Job when he wrestled with unparalleled pain and suffering.
How would David have survived without the God-empowered intimate and loyal friendship of Jonathan?
How would Job have processed his plight without healthy debates with his well-intentioned but sometimes misguided buddies?
How would the ministries of Elijah and Elisha have progressed had the two men not spent time together as mentor and protegee?
The first thing I believe modern men must do to embrace the Biblical model of man-to-man friendships is simply get over the worldly lie that men can’t be transparent with other men. Then we have to seek men we can trust and start trusting them by going beyond news, weather, and sports so we can help each other slay the dragons in our lives.
How do we help them?
Scripture if full of answers to that question, both with advice and with examples. Somewhere during my journey I came across what I’ve found to be a pretty strong list of eight ways we can invest in our friendships. This is both a to-do list and a to-look-for list. So as you strengthen your relationships with a few other knights, keep in mind that a godly friend…
Encourages his friends – “Therefore encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing.” (1 Thessalonians 5:11, NIV)
Forgives his friends – “Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.” (Colossians 3:13, NIV)
Supports his friends – “Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their labor: If either of them falls down, one can help the other up. But pity anyone who falls and has no one to help them up.” (Ecclesiastes 4:9-10, NIV) “Anyone who withholds kindness from a friend forsakes the fear of the Almighty.” (Job 6:14, NIV)
Prays for his friends – “After Job had prayed for his friends, the LORD restored his fortunes and gave him twice as much as he had before.” (Job 42:10, NIV)
Earns his friends’ trust – “A perverse person stirs up conflict, and a gossip separates close friends.” (Proverbs 16:28, NIV) “One who has unreliable friends soon comes to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother.” (Proverbs 18:24, NIV)
Loves his friends – “My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one’s life for one’s friends.” (John 15:12-13, NIV) “A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for a time of adversity.” (Proverbs 17:17, NIV)
Stands by his friends – “Elijah said to Elisha, ‘Stay here; the LORD has sent me to Bethel.’ But Elisha said, ‘As surely as the LORD lives and as you live, I will not leave you.’ So they went down to Bethel.” (2 Kings 2:2, NIV) “When Job’s three friends, Eliphaz the Temanite, Bildad the Shuhite and Zophar the Naamathite, heard about all the troubles that had come upon him, they set out from their homes and met together by agreement to go and sympathize with him and comfort him.” (Job 2:11)
Advises his friends – “Listen to advice and accept discipline, and at the end you will be counted among the wise.” (Proverbs 19:20, NIV) “Walk with the wise and become wise, for a companion of fools suffers harm.” (Proverbs 13:20, NIV) “Better is open rebuke than hidden love. Wounds from a friend can be trusted, but an enemy multiplies kisses.” (Proverbs 27:5-6, NIV)
Several of those verses, as you might have noticed, came from the book of Job, which is one of my personal favorites when it comes to exploring models for male friendship. The thing I appreciate is the raw realness of the conversations between Job and his friends. They say what they’re thinking, there’s some creative trash talk flying back and forth, and everybody seems to get a few things right and a few things wrong. Sort of like real life. Then at the end, Job prays for his friends. No hard feelings. Life goes on. Together.
The knights we surround ourselves with, like Job’s friends, will never take the place of our spouse if we are married, and they won’t get everything right, but if we will open up and let them into our lives, they will help us slay our dragons.
Pray that the Lord would send you knights to stand alongside you.